Why Tables Are Flat, In Answer to A Challenge by Diane Nelson

There’s been much made of the necessity for flat tables lately, especially by the younger set well before they have much sense. It’s simple really.
Tables are flat chiefly because that makes it simpler to continue to find one’s adult beverage of choice from a supine position on the floor, in the midst of a spinning room. Angled — implying both an ‘up’ and a ‘down’ if the angle is in either the pitch or roll plane — would greatly increase the risk of said beverage becoming a libation to the floor gods rather than a means of increasing the imbiber’s pleasure while lessening thirst. Curved, with the anchor point toward the ceiling, would have the same effect. Curved, with the anchor point toward the floor would make groping necessary, and while groping in the grips of multiple adult beverages is a fine sport, my preference is to grope something that has at least a chance of groping back. Undulating would increase the famous and aforementioned ‘spinning room’ sensation. Moving induces vomiting, even for the strong of stomach and solid of inner ear. Uneven is simply due to lack of skill on the part of the table’s constructor and needs not be addressed.

There are many other reasons for flat tables, such as providing a horizontal surface upon which to lose things. A partial list of possible things to lose is included for your delectation:
One’s keys
One’s purse or wallet
One’s tax refund check
One’s jury summons
One’s winning lottery ticket
One’s virginity

While it is readily apparent that only losing the last item is a worthy life goal, that goal may still be accomplished after one has lost the other items and many more.

In addition, flat tables are much more useful than the other options as cat perches, since cat claws have been known to create unwanted incised artwork on wooden surfaces, and as for metal, it the sworn blood enemy of cat claws and the two should be kept far away from each other. (Cat paws and metal surfaces, on the other hand, make fine friends and companions; it is simply the claws which must not come into contact with the metal.)

There is some debate over the usefulness of a non-flat table as a platform for dancing, though that debate is far from the heated discourse of several years ago prior to the discovery that stripper poles do not work well when engaged with any of the non-flat choices (the question of whether or not it is a choice or a lifestyle is beyond the scope of this work). This holds especially true for the undulating and moving varieties. The well-known ‘dance on curved surface’ maneuver is difficult and should be attempted only by experts well-versed in adult beverage imbibing, and certainly not before the consumption of the tenth or perhaps twelfth beverage of the evening.

All this, of course, brings us to the question of whether or not there is truly any such thing as ‘flat’. That argument follows the same lines as the ‘no such thing as a straight line’ and ‘there are no true right angles’ postulates of some years back. Since the issue has never been successfully resolved, there appears not to be much point in continuing this subtopic, unless of course, one is a college sophomore with finals approaching, in which case any topic which prevents that vile practice known as ‘studying’ is to be lauded, up to and including the proper distance of the dot above the letter ‘i’.

With hopes this has proven to be a help to some who might still be struggling with this controversial issue, I conclude. [word count: 611]

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