NSFW – To Boldly Stay (A Spoof, for an EW&R Challenge)

The challenge was to use one of these images taken through a microscope to create a proposal for an SF TV series. I used all six and paid no attention to word limit or language requirements. I’m an admin and not eligible to win; I just sat back and had fun. Hope you do, too. (If some of this is a bit subtle, ask; I don’t bite. Unless you want me to.)

PiZap SF Pitch

To Boldly Stay

It begins at the beginning. Holes in space, the vast void. Picture it, just picture it. The Void. And it has holes in it. Our intrepid heroes — and by that I mean the men and women and creatures we see every week — spot the problem and set out to solve it.

Captain Church, a bit of a lech — and by that I mean someone with a Velcro zipper for convenience — is accompanied by Speck, the unfeeling orange-blooded half-Smithian with floppy ears who remains distant and aloof — and by that I mean he’s a challenge to every being in the galaxy that uses sexual reproduction — Paddy, the miracle-schlepping engineer with a thick brogue — and by that I mean he doesn’t even understand himself — Orjus, the token … er, representative … woman who’s also the token … representative … African American — and by that I mean she’s the one with the itty bitty uniform and hot ass, and her name’s great, the Swahili word for slavery, because, well, we’re down with that racial stuff — Dr. McUisce, the lovable but obnoxious dentist, nicknamed Teeth, who has the hots for Speck — and by that I mean if he gets a whiff of that Smithian musk, he’s got a hard-on that Jupiter would envy  — Lieutenant Upyu, the Oriental (we don’t want to get too specific, cause, face it, who can tell one from another, right?) helmsman who also has the hots for Speck — and by that I mean he’s jacking it under the console unless the Captain’s looking right at him and even then sometimes — and Ensign Tchaikovsky, the cute young Russian navigator (why does the lowest ranking officer on the bridge get to plot the course?) who’s trying his best to get some while avoiding the grabby hands of Church and Speck, rivals for his affections — and by that I mean they beat each other up every week for a chance to toss some salad with Russian dressing. That’s the crew.

What happens? You mean all that isn’t enough happening? Geez, tough sell. All right, we’ve got those holes in the Void. And one day — or is it always night in space? Anyway, some worm-things come through the holes and start having sex right in sight of our telescopes, so things really get desperate. Protect those innocent women, children, and astronomers from seeing squiggly things getting off when they’re not getting any or else civilization will fall because one of them is bound to ask one day, “WTF? Why can’t I do the dirty boogie whenever I want?” and there being no good answer for that, it would be down the gravity well from that point on. Can’t have that, so our Magnificent Seven — what? That’s been used? Sheee-it, you guys are tough! All right, all right, our Pompous Seven saddle up … transport up and blast through the whole freaking cosmos, since six of the seven are men and men only have two settings, “fuck-me” and “what-can-I-kill-now?”

So, they fight the worms — with what? I dunno, ask the geeks for some technobabble — but one of the worms turns into this big blue spiky thing and it eats Orjus, and not in a good way, so after about six months of man-on-man whoopee since the chick’s not bitching about the trash getting ejected or something, they take careful aim and fire the magic pointy scaly things — look, I am not the technobabble guy, k? But just as they do they realize Lt. Orjus is still alive in there somewhere — how do I know how that works? I’m a pitchman, not a rocket scientist! They blast the scaly things with their super rainbow rays and Lt. Orjus is suddenly back on the bridge, on her hands and knees and very pissed because that’s her favorite position and she hates being interrupted just when the guy finally hits her G-spot, whatever that is. On the big movie screen in front of them, they see the worms turning into stacks of shiny treasure which they take — and by that I mean cram the holds to the danger, danger, will robinson mark — little realizing that the treasure is actually the chemical opposite of Viagra, developed by the Amazons of the planet NotInMine, and that lovely treasure will explode into rainbow smears on next week’s show.

So, ready for production?

Great! Just sign the contracts here and the checks there and we’ll get started tomorrow!

[This is a spoof, poking fun at an industry which all too often panders to the basest of human feelings and thoughts. It does not reflect the author’s feelings or philosophy except that dealing with humor. If you find it offensive, please discuss it with me civilly.]

About suzanawylie

Suzana Wylie is the not-very-pseudo pseudonym of Susan Wylie Wilson, because let's face it, there are lots of Susan Wilsons around, and as an author, I want readers to find ME and not the bazillions of others. I've been writing all my life - since I learned to hold a pencil anyway - and can't NOT write. Other people have to breathe to live; I have to write.
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